And there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.
"Oga, a beg make you forgive me," begged Noah. "I don try - ah! ah!. De trouble were my eye see no be small, I swear. Dem tell me say I need certificate of occupancy before I go kuku build de Ark. I don waka Ministry of Works so tey I tire. Then, I come see say na money dem want, and I carry all de money wey I get gif dem. Na im dem tell me say make I add extra windows for "cross ventilation", and make I divide de toilet from de bath, so that if I de go toilet, another person fit de bath.
Anyway, I pay one engineer so, make im modify de plans for me. So, after I don finish dat one, I come go for forest to go get wood. Dem tell me say I no fit cut wood without permit from Forestry people. Anyway, I go see de forestry people dem and dem say I fit go cut de wood. When I reach de village now, dem no gree make I cut wood. Dem say I must gif dem their share - because na so one big man come from town come cut all de wood for here before for export, and he no pay dem compensation. Na waoh! and me think say government no de gree us export wood. Finally, as dem wan fight me, I quickly settle de village chief, and dem com gree say make I take de wood. Before I go carry de wood reach my house, na so so wahala for road. I settle police, I settle soldier, I settle customs, I settle immigration, I settle tax man, I settle local government, then when I don reach my house now, de truck driver and him boys say if I no settle dem, dem no go help me offload de wood. As I start to build de ark now, na im task force people come mark 'X' for de ark, say I no suppose to build de ark for dis place. Dem ask me say whether I no no say "environmental sanitation decree" no de allow dis kind thing for inside town.
Anyway I think say na my neighbor na im call dem, de man de jealous me well well. Wetin I go do, I settle dem too. "As I say make I kuku hurry finish de ark, na im de carpenters where de help me come talk say dem no go work again unless gif dem extra money. Me sef I surprise wen dem tell me say de here say na big government contract where I de do and plenty money dey inside. To cut long story, I settle dem too. Anyway, people plenty now wey de build de Ark, apprentice full ground.
As I begin to gather de animal dem, I come jam another trouble. De"404" people dem no want make I take their dogs, dem say na delicacy. Bushmeat and fowl people no gree me. Even de people wey de chop "isi ewu" come vex with me. Dem ask me whether I no no say meat don too cost these days, where I wan carry de small meat where dey ground. So, I wan tell you now say, I no fit find dog, fowl, goat, or bush meat, and infact I just manage get cow, as one mallam don nearly dagger me when I want take de cow dem."
"One day as I de build de ark now, na im NDLEA come arrest me carry me go prison for questioning. Dem talk say, dem hear say I wan carry de Ark smuggle cocaine & indian hemp to America. Later, sha dem come find say no be me dem de look for, so dem release me. I never even reach home, when SSS come arrest me for further questioning, say dem here say I be NADECO, and I wan carry de Ark go smuggle guns and bombs to come overthrow Naija government. Anyway, I come convince dem say I no know wetin be NADECO, dem release but tell me make I de report to force headquarters every day.
As I de gather de animal dem, na im FEPA come s